Where to start

On May 27th my life changed forever.  To hear the doctor's words "I am sorry but he is gone."  That is the hardest words I have ever heard in my life.  My husband was the wonderful to me and my children.  We miss him everyday.  He was expose to go into this heart surgery and come home with me the next day.  I don't understand why he was taken away from me so soon.  We have spent 13 years together, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  That day was a blur for me along with the following week.  I had to make the hardest decision of my life for him.  It was so hard to let the dr take him off the bypass machine and let him go.  I wanted to hang on to him as long as I could but I knew he wouldn't want to stay on a machine.  The second hardest thing I had to do was come home and tell our children that their daddy wasn't coming home.  Trying to make it everyday without him seemed so unbearable.  But I remember the words he told me just the Sunday before "that I will be strong."  It is so hard to be strong, but I do it for my kids.  Some days I fake it on the outside, but deep down inside I am dying.  It is so hard to be lonely.  I don't sleep much because as crazy as it may seem but his snoring was such a comfort.  Not to hear him snore at night I am not able to go to sleep.  I just hope and pray everyday that things will get better.  Some days are good and easy to manage but some are really bad where I feel like I can't function.  I thought if I start a blog and write my feelings that it may help me heal a bit.  So I am going to give it a try.  I am very random with my words and thoughts right now.  I just don't know where to start in thinking or to start my life over without him.